Do you ever feel like you are being pulled in every direction at once? Maybe there is someone in your life constantly draining your energy or maybe you simply cannot find time for yourself. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable in some situations and you cannot put your finger on exactly why. These are signs that you may need to set boundaries or strengthen the ones you have in your life.
A boundary is essentially drawing a line between two or more things. We are focusing on the lines we draw between ourself and others. Ida Soghomonian, an author for the The Resilience Centre, defines personal boundaries as "guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits." Boundaries help us define our comfort zones and establish what is okay and what we expect from the other people in our lives. Our personal boundaries can be physical, emotional, psychological and nowadays even digital.
Boundaries are built throughout our lifetimes as individuals and as communities. Things such as our values, morals, upbringing, experiences and culture help shape our personal boundaries. Someone else’s boundaries might look different than your own. It is all about our personal preferences and comfort levels.
So why are boundaries so important?
Brené Brown, an American author and research professor at the University of Houston, is a believer in boundary setting. She says boundaries are, “the key to self-love and the key to treating others with love and kindness.”
Check out this video of Brené Brown on setting boundaries!
Healthy boundaries help us take care of ourselves and are necessary for self-care. Healthline, a provider of health information, states having healthy boundaries will raise both your self-esteem and self-respect. They help you honor your needs, feelings, values, and aspirations. Boundaries help you say no to the things you do not want to do. You can and should set boundaries with partners, friends, family and coworkers.
Here are some examples of what healthy boundaries can sound like:
- “I do not mind sharing but please ask first.”
- “I need my alone time.”
- “I like talking to you, but I can’t text you all day long.”
- “I don’t mind giving you advice, but I don’t want to tell you the same thing every day.”
- “I do not want to be touched right now.”
Boundary setting will improve all of your relationships in life. Setting boundaries helps you establish an open line of communication. It also helps protect and maintain your relationships from becoming unhealthy or unsafe.
Poor boundaries can cause resentment, hurt, anger and burnout. Relationships without boundaries have a higher chance of becoming unhealthy.
“Boundaries are not fake walls. They are not separation or division. They are respect.” - Brené Brown
Here are some examples of what unhealthy boundaries can sound like:
- “You can’t go to the party without me.”
- “I don’t like that person, so you are not allowed to talk to them.”
- “We need to have sex whenever I want.”
- “Share your location so I can keep tabs on you.”
- “If you leave me, I would die.”
Here are some more examples of healthy versus unhealthy relationships.
If any of these examples sound familiar, this is a sign that you may need to set boundaries in your relationships.
Stay tuned for my next blog post on how to set these boundaries now that we know their importance!
Additional readings:
I really appreciated this article. I, unfortunately, resonated a lot with some of the unhealthy boundary examples. In a past relationship of mine, when I failed to set boundaries, this is how I was treated. This was an awful point in my life because I didn't have self-respect I have since learned and grown a lot from this experience. This was a great read for me to remind myself of the importance of healthy boundaries on my mental health and self-love journey. I appreciate your vulnerability in writing about a subject like this and I hope that you continue to write about similar topics. I think you will help a lot of people. I think especially for women, we are…
I love the topic you chose to discuss, Anna! Setting boundaries is a difficult thing to have to do, and the way you explained it was so helpful. I especially liked how you included videos and other resources for us to learn more about this topic. It gave me a lot of insight and extra information. I also liked how you not only gave examples of good boundaries to set but unhealthy ones as well. The comparison is important and will certainly help readers understand the difference.
I always worry about offending others or causing issues when saying no or asking for space, but it’s so essential in every interaction with others. Setting healthy boundaries has always been an issue…
Anna - your blog post was a really great reminder of how to take care of yourself while in relationships with others. I think it is so easy for us to want to try and please everyone without thinking of taking care of ourselves first. Sometimes we need to step back and recognize this in order to healthily move forward. Your examples of types of healthy boundaries made me reflect on my own life and where some of these can be applied with friends, family and even roommates. I would love to hear your advice on what to do when someone doesn't respect your boundaries once you have set them.