Setting boundaries can be challenging, but doing so is crucial for our own self-care, safety and personal values. In my last post, Drawing the Line- The Importance of Setting Boundaries, I discussed the importance of setting boundaries. Now that we know the importance,
we are ready to take the necessary steps to setting personal boundaries for
healthy relationships.
Follow these 6 key steps for setting boundaries with the people in your life!
Step 1: Identify your boundaries
Decide what works for you and what does not. Tune into your core values and what is important to you.
Ask yourself these questions:
What are my values?
What makes me uncomfortable?
What stresses me out?
What is okay and what is not?
Need some help? Check this out!
Tomi Llama, an author and purpose guide, created this free and easy to use
Setting Boundaries Guide & Worksheet, that will help you to figure out your
own personal boundaries.
Step 2: Acknowledge your emotions while giving yourself permission
Your feelings are valid! If something makes you feel angry, uncomfortable, resentful, or guilty, it is often a sign you need to set boundaries. Take the time to clearly recognize how the action or situation makes you feel and why it makes you feel this way.
We often fear that someone is not going to handle your boundaries the way you would like them to. Recognize that you need to do this for yourself regardless if the other person will disagree or be hurt. Remember you are doing this for you, not them!
Step 3: Be specific & decide consequences ahead of time
Get your thoughts together! You want to be clear and concise when going into a conversation on boundary setting. Remember you are not seeking control over the other person- you are taking action to protect yourself.
How are you going to react when someone crosses your established boundary? Decide this ahead of time before your conversation and let them know.
Step 4: Be direct
It’s time to have the conversation. Communication is key here. You need to ask for what you need without an apology. You are not doing anything wrong by setting boundaries.
Be clear with what you need and want. Keep it simple but do not be vague in hopes of sparing someone’s feelings or avoiding conflict which could only cause confusion. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
It is important to remain calm and be polite. Do not try to set boundaries when you are angry because this may make the other defensive and less likely to take you seriously.
Remember to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Using “You” statements may seem like a personal attack on the other person.
For example:
Instead of saying: “You never make time for me anymore. You don’t care about me.”
Say: “I feel sad and lonely when we don't spend time together.”
Step 5: Be assertive & follow through
Respect yourself and the values you are trying to uphold by making sure your boundaries are honored. When someone crosses your boundary, you need to hold them accountable. If you don’t, it sends a signal that it is now okay to cross this boundary. It is okay to revisit your boundary conversation if needed because maybe it was unclear the first time.
If someone chooses not to honor your boundaries, you may need to reevaluate your relationship with them or think about a possible compromise.
Step 6: Trust in yourself
Remember you are doing this for you, your self-care and self-love. Pay attention to what you are feeling. If something bothers you, there is probably a good reason for it. Enforcing your boundaries will help you remain in good mental and emotional health.
Following these 6 key steps to boundary setting will help you thrive in your relationships and live a happier and healthier life!
Download this free infographic on these 6 steps to setting boundaries!
This was a really insightful post that I thought was really encouraging to read! Identifying our boundaries and values is a life-long process that requires a lot of thought and reflection. As someone who values mental health, I appreciated this post boosting the importance of this conversation. Step 4 stood out to me because I completely agree that communication is key in every relationship. Confrontation is difficult but necessary in navigating the world around us and in dealing with conflict. I often find myself worrying more about how others perceive my actions as opposed to how I feel. It’s easy to get caught up in others’ opinions and be confident in the decisions you make, but as long as we…