Drawing the Line - Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships
- Annastacia Kilgallon
- Oct 23, 2020
- 4 min read
Do you have a hard time asking your partner for personal space? Maybe you feel like you and your partner have morphed into a single identity. Perhaps your relationship is making you feel trapped and isolated. These examples are among the many signs that you lack healthy boundaries in your relationship.
Boundaries are what separate our own individual self from the other people in our life. They help us to define our comfort zones, what we are okay with, and what we expect from the other people in our lives. Boundaries play a key role in maintaining our mental health, emotional health, physical health, safety, and well-being.
For more information on what boundaries are and why they are important check out my blog post Drawing the Line- The Importance of Setting Boundaries
Relationships are tough and not one relationship is the same as another. They all have their unique challenges and issues that come with our individual attitudes and beliefs. Boundaries are a key element to preserving a relationship and protecting it from becoming unhealthy, abusive, and/or even dangerous.
What to do when someone does not respect your boundaries
So you’ve identified your boundaries and taken the steps to implement them, but your partner is not being receptive. First, decide if your boundary is negotiable. If it is something you cannot sway on and your partner refuses to respect, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship.
Check this out:
Katie Hood, CEO of One Love, does an amazing job explaining the difference between healthy and unhealthy love.
There are a ton of signs of an unhealthy relationship. One Love, Katie Hood’s organization is dedicated to educating people on healthy relationships. They break down the signs of unhealthy boundaries into 10 steps:
Intensity – Your partner expresses extreme feelings that may be overwhelming. You feel like they are rushing the pace of the relationship. They may seem obsessed with being with you.
Possessiveness – Your partner is jealous to the point where they try to control you. They may try to control who you spend time with and what you are doing. They may get angry when you talk to someone they are threatened by. Your partner may also wrongly accuses you of flirting or cheating.
Manipulation – Your partner tries to control your emotions, actions, or decisions. “You know you’re being manipulated if someone is trying to convince you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing, ignores you until they get their way, or tries to influence your feelings.” Gaslighting is often a big sign of emotional manipulation. Gaslighting occurs when a manipulator is trying to get someone to question their reality, memory, or perceptions. It can look like someone refusing to listen, questioning your memory of an event, changing the subject, not acknowledging your feelings, and pretending to forget an event or denying it ever happened.
Isolation – Your partner tries to keep you away from your family, friends, and others. They may make you question your judgment of the other people in your life. Your Partner may make you an ultimatum telling you to choose between them or your loved ones. They insist you spend all your time with them. You may feel a dependency on your partner for love, money, or acceptance.
Sabotage – Your partner keeps you from doing the things that are important to you. They may purposely ruin the things in your life. Dangerous behaviors that can be exhibited are spreading rumors about you or threatening to leak your private information.
Belittling – Your partner is mean to you. They do or say things to hurt you and ruin your self-confidence. Even if they play it off as a joke, if it makes you feel bad, it’s not okay.
Guilting – Your partner makes their happiness your job. They make you feel bad for them or blame you for things that are out of your control. Some dangerous behaviors include threatening to hurt themselves if you leave or making you do something you’re uncomfortable with because you don’t want them to feel bad.
Volatility – Your relationship with your partner may feel like a rollercoaster. Their actions are unpredictable, and you never know what is going to set them off. They may overreact, have mood swings, or lose control violently.
Deflecting Responsibility – Your partner refuses to accept responsibility for their actions. They may blame you or others for their behavior. They could be using their past experiences, mental illness, or substance usage as an excuse.
Betrayal – Your partner betrays your trust. This includes lying, excluding you, being deceitful, or cheating.
If any of these signs sound familiar in your partnership, chances are you are experiencing an unhealthy relationship. Setting boundaries can help combat and prevent these experiences. If you are experiencing more than one of the signs listed above, your best option may be to protect yourself by ending the relationship.
If you or someone you know are in a dangerous situation and need assistance or just need someone to talk to, click here for a complete list of resources that may help.
Remember you are not alone.
This was a very well thought out and in my opinion, relevant post. I think a lot of people in college struggle with unhealthy relationships because they just don't have a lot of real world experience with mature relationships and they're too young to know better. I was in a very toxic relationship when I first came to college and I wish I had had something like this to read and realize earlier warning signs lol. I liked the TED talk and I thought it went a long perfectly with the post. I also really appreciated the easy access through the link for more resources to help.